Harold Pinter, eat your heart out.


LILI, CAROLE, GRANDMA, GRANDPA, AUNTY PEG and SOME RANDOM WOMAN sit eating profiteroles around a wedding reception table in Adelaide. The RANDOM WOMAN is singing along to Celine Dion. In the background, people are dancing.

In this scene, nobody is called by their correct name. Possible names to use are Lili (granddaughter), Carole (daughter), Raylee (other granddaughter), Rita (groom's first wife, or Carole and Lili's puppy), Kath (bride), Lingi (a dog that died before I was born).

Grandpa: (heavy working class British accent) It were on Ship Street.

Grandma: Here we go again.

Aunty Peg: No, it were on Luvane Road.

Grandpa: Ship Street. It were on Ship Street.

Aunty Peg: No, it were in that house with the chimney that smoked. It were Luvane Road.

Grandpa: Ship Street. I was workin' at the Academy.

Grandma: No, Jack. You were working at the mental hospital.

Lili: You worked at a MENTAL HOSPITAL?

Carole: I used to love it when you played in the mental hospital's cricket team, Dad.

Grandpa: I didn't work in the mental hospital til after the war. This was before the war, it were in Ship Street.

Aunty Peg: Luvane Road.

Lili: Can we please go back to the mental hospital?

Random Woman: "Cause I'm your lay-deeeeeeeeeeeh, and you are my maaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaan!"

Grandpa: We were so poor then, we lived in sackcloth and ashes.

Lili: Never mind, I'm getting a pretty good idea anyway.

Grandma: Get Li-Ri-Ka-Carole to look it up, Jack. She has The Google.

Carole: It's just 'Google', mum.

Aunty Peg: Maybe it wasn't at Luvane Road. Maybe it was at the Rose and Crown.

Grandpa: It were at Ship Street!

Random Woman: "with the power of Loooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooove..."

(the SONG finishes. the RANDOM WOMAN looks disappointed, but busies herself with a profiterole)

Aunty Peg: The ceremony was nice, wasn't it?

Carole: I remember when Brian was just a cherubic little boy.

Grandpa: When I were a lad... I used to ride my pushbike... all the way... ... ...

Aunty Peg: (to RANDOM WOMAN) Cherubic? What's that then?

Random Woman: (reassuringly) I think she meant cherubISH.

Grandpa: And there were pigs in the kitchen... And mud up to your ears... And chickens... ... ...

(another song starts)

Lili: No. Oh, no.

The RANDOM WOMAN abandons the profiterole, and makes for the dance floor.

Carole: Is that the macarena?

Lili: (bangs head on table) No. They are not going to dance to that.

Grandma: I thought it was the nutbush.

Lili: It's the chicken dance.